Once, Jonathan killed me in Phantom Blood.
Once, it was like normal canon, almost, and I got to see my kids? They would have lived with us, after all. My mercenaries made poor babysitters. There were likely more similar to this one, though I don’t particularly remember due to the differences being minor while I was alive.
Once, I was the Joestar family guardian for generations. Everything below is an elaboration on how that worked.
Jonathan insisted I had my own dog, and though I had planned to make him miserable, and wanted to use my dog to prove I’m better, we bonded over her and Danny’s puppies. I taught him to box, and I was sincerely offended when he got better and taller than me.
Our father became sick, we went in search of medicine. I was drunk, insisting it would keep me warm, and we fought the Ogre Street gang. It kept us held up, and we didn’t have time to get the medicine, since we had snuck out saying it was a ball. I forged invites and everything. Speedwagon offered to help us get medicine the next night, and so we brought him home with us. The entire time I was insisting we should race, and that my horse could handle running with two people. Speedwagon was fine staying with the sober rider.
We got home, I needed a diversion to give Speedwagon time to hide and to cover the blood on my face from the fight, so I had Jonathan grab the mask. I was still bleeding, and… My first kill was our father, then I burnt down the house, sending our horses running and killing our dogs, though I refused to believe it until Jonathan came to defeat me and bring me home. Vampirism makes self control hard until you’re incapacitated and/or well-fed, and my body count was several hundred by the time I was brought back to my senses.
Straizo lived with us, and held me in contempt for years. Lisa Lisa grew up with George, and we tried raising her better than Straizo. A lot of tense silence happened between him, me, and Speedwagon. He made no secret of thinking sparing me was foolish.
Jonathan married our childhood friend Erina, and Speedwagon and I snuck onto their honeymoon ship because we were dependent. We ended up making arrangements to stay in America, since the passage was not something I particularly enjoyed and it was a nice enough place.
Eventually, we got a letter from Speedwagon’s dig in wherever, from Straizo, saying Speedwagon was in danger and I should come as soon as I could. Being a gay fool, I did, bringing Joseph. We then had to fight Straizo, him having given into vampirism, and then Nazis, and then Santana. I was thoroughly pissed at Speedwagon for getting into that situation.
I stayed near Joseph, and when Lisa Lisa told Caesar the truth of how I killed William, Caesar swore he would kill me one day. Instead, when he went to fight Wamuu, I went with him, explaining I knew how it felt to have a family’s pride to defend, despite it being my brother’s instead of my own. We did not defeat Wamuu, but I did save Caesar’s life, getting thoroughly shredded myself.
He and Joseph went on to defeat Kars about a week later, which I bore witness to. Joseph was presumed dead, and it was among the happiest days of my long life when he turned up married instead.
Holly was an absolute gift to the earth, and later had Jotaro, who was a menace in many ways but also precious. With the family so large, and with Speedwagon dead, I sought a new way to protect them, and received my Stand. Unbeknownst to me, Jotaro had followed, and he scratched himself with the arrow too. Holly soon fell ill, but a vampire helping to raise her apparently gave her the will she needed to survive. Her Stand was like Stone Free, but with vines instead of string.
I fell in love for the second time, and her mame was Marietta. She was a struggling artist, and after giving birth to Giorno, she left, having felt unworthy of a family.
It came to light that Joseph had an illegitimate son, and Caesar and Suzie Q were heartbroken that he had cheated on them. The family went to Italy, hoping things could be fixed where they met. Holly stayed to tend to things, and Jotaro brought his friend Noriaki. While there, we met Polnareff, who was tracking down J Geil. Noriaki, Jotaro, and I went with him to Egypt, where we ran into Hol Horse. Repeatedly. Poor man was on vacation and trying to get away from us and multiple Stand users J Geil hired to kill us. We also picked up Avdol and Iggy at some point. In the end, I stopped time a moment too soon, and couldn’t do it again so soon. I thought we were doomed, then Hol shot J Geil. He came back to Italy with us as something of an extra family guard.
In that time, my son had joined the mafia because Joseph had assumed “gang” meant “friends.” Leone and I quickly became friends over our mutual self-loathing, and I tagged along on many missions that winter. One went on until the sun rose, and not having brought my parasol with me, I hid in a church.
I fell in love for the third time with a priest who was more fascinated than afraid. Night fell, and I left without a word, but as fate would have it, I left Noriaki’s scarf and returned the next night. Things were alright, good even, until Joseph got sick. Giorno insisted they were close to finding the boss, but I refused to accompany them, needing to tend to Joseph. He huffed that he wasn’t the slave of the Joestars like I was, and left.
He ran away from the tower after saving Buccellati with Trish. They tried to get to Sardinia, but Notorious B.I.G. crashed the passenger plane they snuck onto. Giorno Requiem’d with a shard of an arrow that Polnareff had given him, and avoided injury with Trish until they were safe on the ground. They hitchhiked to Sardinia.
At home, we thought they were dead for three days. I turned back to drinking, and could hardly look at anyone other than Enrico from the shame.
Giorno came home and apologized for running away. They were going after Diavolo at last, and I went with them. The remainder of the Guard Team was easy enough to take out, and I made sure no one died.
Spring was in the air, things were fixed, and we would be going back to Japan. Hol decided to stay with Passione; Polnareff, Avdol, and Enrico returned with us to Japan.
Josuke met our family, at last, and our Morioh home seemed fairly complete in my eyes. I have to admit I had little to do with anything involving Kira until he appeared as a ghost in Rohan’s house some months after being killed. Avdol suggested just leaving him, not telling him anything while he searched for answers, and it worked until Rohan caved and told him he used to be a murderer. He was apparently appalled, and dedicated himself to making amends however he could while being dead.
Jolyne was born, and loved by all, though Noriaki and I were equally confused by Jotaro getting married. That lasted about two years, and then after another three, Jotaro finally admitted his love to Noriaki. That is not to say Jolyne’s mom wasn’t still welcome and loved, she was just busy in the States often with work. Jolyne grew up loving them both entirely, talking to both every day.
2005 came around, and I was thrilled to meet and help Enrico’s family recover from Katrina's devastation [I was not thrilled]. Of course, I was introduced as a friend who had been kind enough to let him stay with me while he was doing missionary work in Japan [which he was only doing in a very technical sense]. They were equally thrilled to meet me [they were also not thrilled], and Perla, who knew the truth about us, gave me smug looks every chance she got. Literally anything would be better than attempting to rebuild their mansion at night. Anything. Enrico said it was just a common job in Japan, get some cheap lights [as long as they weren’t UV] and have things be built overnight. Unfortunately I was one vampire, this was a blatant lie, and I mostly caulked and painted and sanded and wondered why mosquitoes existed in my personal space when I hardly breathed.
One thing led to another, and I ended up covered in blood as my first introduction to one Wes Bluemarine, though having saved his life I think it was quite worth it. Enrico nearly fainted, Perla thought it was amazing that Enrico had somehow found a way to relive his shitty romance novels, and Wes looked like he was going to be sick from learning the unfortunate truth. We all agreed that it’d be best to just say Enrico hired a private investigator after a particular dream about this plagued him. Parents bought it, they had their son back, I took the other and went home as soon as possible.
Jolyne still met Anasui and Ermes, and, if I’m not wrong, was in love with at least one of them. I don’t remember if that was on one of her visits to Florida, or if they were in Japan at the time, but I do remember both staying with us for a while.
When he was some thirty years old, Giorno was killed by a drunk driver. I wanted to get revenge, but I remembered our father, and Jonathan saying it wasn’t my fault, though it so obviously was, and I instead tried to forgive him. Not long after, Enrico lost to cancer. I knew Jotaro was next, as I could practically smell it on him, and one morning I decided I couldn’t watch it happen. Around two weeks after Enrico died, despite Jolyne and Jotaro trying to stop me, I retired from my position as the Joestar family guardian. The sunrise was beautiful.
Canonmates--
[1]
Straizo; William
[2]
Adriano [Fugo]; Astromeda [Erina]; Avdol; Daniel; Ermes; Diaval [Pet Shop]; Donatello; Giorno; Guido; Helios [Wes]; Holly [Hol]; Jolyne; Jonathan; Jotaro; Link [Polnareff]; Lunam [Enrico]; N'Doul; Anasui; Noriaki; Rikiel; Straizo; Telence; Trish; Ungalo; VI [Vanilla Ice]; Varric [Iggy]; William
[3]
Adriano [Fugo]; Avdol; Caesar; Daniel; Diaval [Pet Shop]; Diavolo; Donatello; Ermes; Esidesi; Giorno; Guido; Helios [Wes]; Holly ; Kars; Jotaro; Link [Polnareff]; Lunam [Enrico]; N'Doul; Anasui; Noriaki; Pollux [Doppio]; Ren [Okuyasu]; Rikiel; Rohan; Santana; Straizo; Telence; Trish; Ungalo; VI [Vanilla Ice]; Varric [Iggy]; Wamuu [Wamuu]; William; and handfuls of others [sometimes of the same face] we've met and lost touch with, as one can expect from living the same life so many ways.